Familiarity Breeds Contempt
Sometimes people and organizations may take you for granted. You’ve been giving and contributing and investing so long that you become a staple of the institution or a staple in a person’s life. In these instances proximity is a disincentive.
The closer you are to the person or organization taking you for granted, the more it appears to them that there may be something better out there…that they are missing out on someone that they believe could offer something more or different than you.
Somewhere out there is a better employee, a better speaker, a better consultant, a better contractor, a better spouse, a better partner, a better love interest and so on…
Somewhere along the way the level of true investment slowed to a trickle or even came grinding to a halt. You may have made excuses or may even have chosen not to notice this lack of mutuality. You have continued to invest yourself and missed the signs that it is time to divest….time to attend to you and your career and your heart.
Stop giving your time, energy, thoughts, attention, hopes and parts of yourself to people, organizations, and institutions who:
- don’t value you;
- don’t feed you;
- don’t want you;
- don’t get you; and
- don’t invest in you!
It’s time to divest. When you’ve learned that the place you are investing the best of yourself will never pay dividends…it is time to recover your investment.
Is Comfort Keeping You Stuck?
There are people who really care about you and organizations that would really value you. But they don’t have a chance when you’ve given priority to something or someone who has shown you they are comfortable with your devaluation.
The truth is they have gotten comfortable because you have. People aren’t generally intending harm…they will provide the minimal amount necessary to maintain your investment in them or their organization.
In my own career I have been very fortunate – and grateful – to have worked in settings where my contributions were valued. I’ve never been fired or released. I’ve generally been promoted or earned amazing opportunities. I’ve always walked away under my own terms. I’ve moved on when I perceive that I have learned all that I can within that setting…when I understand that staying would be preventing my own growth.
During these times I have needed a new challenge. Sometimes – like now – it feels like a calling toward something more. 2017 will mark 20 years that I have practiced as a therapist. While I still find the work valuable and meaningful…I am pulled increasingly and energetically to a different platform…a different way to support others in their personal development.
Why Do We Stay?
Lately, I’ve been in conversations with friends and colleagues about “when to stay and when to go.” I’ve been in deep discussions about leaving relationships and the factors that cause us to stay when staying involves a loss of esteem.
I’ve heard several answers and reflected on people I’ve known, cared for and admired… and I have come to some discoveries of my own. Sometimes we stay in an attempt to punish the other party…we want to be around so that they can see our pain…so we can say “Look at the hurt you have caused.”
Sometimes we stay to cause harm. Sometimes we want the person or place to fail and we would sabotage ourselves to attend to the destruction of the other…a toxic reasoning indeed.
Other times we want to change the person’s mind. We want them to say “It was a mistake,” or “I was wrong” or “How could I have wanted to be without you?”
There is no magic or mystery to it. Often we invest in people or places that don’t reflect our worth because we are trying to prove something…trying to prove we are:
- smart,
- capable,
- desirable,
- lovable, or even worthy.
We are trying to be seen by someone or something, rather than believing that we can set our own value. We falsely believe that our value is determined by others.
Thinking that if they truly see “me” then surely they’d value “me” and when they value “me” then I’ll be vindicated…then I’ll have victory!
But Truly, What Would You Be Winning?
It is a false victory…hollow and shallow and empty. Because it is built on the premise that you have something to prove. It is built on the part of you that feels:
- undervalued,
- unseen,
- unheard,
- unloved, and
- unappreciated.
Why should any person or organization that you relate to in this way get the best of you?
It’s time to divest!
Don’t throw good energy, heart, and intellect into someone or something because of the amount of time you’ve already been investing and placing energy there.
Unless you have spoken up and made your requests known; unless there is a seismic shift on their part…there is nothing to wait for…and you will have invested your “being” into nothingness.
Re-invest that energy into yourself…transform the investment into lessons learned…lest you repeat them over and over again…going further and further into the red.
What Really Matters!
There are people who really care about you…you will know because they care enough to match your investment.
There are organizations that value your contributions enough to match your contribution.
If you really matter to that person…they would show up for you…they would remember you…they would call…they would check in…they’d make more than minimal efforts.
If you were really valued by that organization they would do their best to retain you, promote you, pay you, nurture your talent and give credence to your feedback and ideas.
Don’t spend your precious energy being angry or harboring resentment, even if you hear the words that sound like “I want you to stay” or “We value your contributions” or “I’ve created this corner for you in my life” or “We have this position over here where you are better suited (i.e. a demotion).”
The offering of something “less” often represents the value you hold to the one making the offer. You can gauge the sincerity of that offer based on when it occurs: Does it occur before or after you threaten to walk away?
I don’t think it is wise to threaten…best to just go…best to choose your path than have it chosen for you.
Better to choose to be courageous on your path of self discovery than to let fear determine your steps.
Stop chasing what’s bad for you to the detriment of all that is good for you. When you are in your rightful place you will never have to prove yourself!
On Being a Grown Up!
I am not saying to show up in your work and personal relationships entitled. I am saying that you, like many of us out here “adulting”, have learned to quiet your dissent. You have likely learned to go along with treatment that is not okay…believing that it is the best you can do or have.
Believing that if you speak up you will miss out. Fearing that the other party will say “You are too much” or “You are too demanding” or “You are unrealistic.” Fearing that you will be fired or replaced.
When you are living your life in fear, you are not fully living. There is no reason to make the other party awful in order to make yourself feel whole.
What I am saying is show up and “be” your best.
Speak up for yourself.
Stop engaging with those who will not meet you partway.
Stop draining your energy even thinking about those who give no thought or concern for you!
Be willing to walk away so that you can be at home in yourself. Because then, no matter where you go and what relationships remain, you will be at peace with your decisions. You will stand in a place of strength.
When you are showing up for yourself…self respect follows…and self regard is cultivated and you will carry yourself in a manner that is attractive to people and organizations.
Most all all you will be the walking, breathing manifestation of your best self…there is no better investment!
Copyright © 2016 Ruby Blow. All rights reserved.
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