Why Aren't You Married? - Development Counts

Baffling Question

Sometimes people ask me why I am not married. I find this question to be as baffling as someone walking up to me and asking why I’m not wearing aqua blue? What is at the heart of this question? Is it a comment on one’s ideal-ness for marriage? Is it a question of why doesn’t someone want to marry you and why don’t you want to marry someone?

The most recent time someone asked me this, I made a joke and the conversation moved along. But it stuck with me that both old friends and new acquaintances ask this question so freely — as if it doesn’t require many layers of discussion, exploration and understanding.

I’m a very independent thinker. Some people think they are but I really am. I’ve never done or believed anything because it is expected. I am not easy. There is someone who is compatible with me but I haven’t met him and I am not looking. I do love my life and I have gotten to a place where I am truly fulfilled with being single. I desire romantic love and relationship but it does not make or break my life. Thank goodness!

I will never be in a circumstance that is not compatible with my soul. So besides those few personal thoughts…I will not to attempt to answer that question regarding me personally in this blog post. Instead, I want to support those who aren’t married and those who have never been married in how to maintain their sense of well being in the face of a world that often seems coupled up or judgmental that you are not.

It’s more than okay to be single.

1st – It’s more than okay to be single. I don’t just mean single and dating; or technically single but you have a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner. I mean it is more than okay for you to be single. I mean single period without explanation. Being single is not a failure. Just like being divorced or even being widowed is not a failure. It’s simply is a state of being…it has the meaning you decide to assign to it.

It’s okay to feel lonely.

2nd – It’s okay to feel lonely. Guess what? Married people feel lonely too. Some of the loneliest people I know are married. Being married does not mean you have companionship or that you feel understood. Try to keep yourself from fantasizing about the mythical other who will totally get you and see why you are amazing. You probably are amazing. Right now is always a good time to affirm that for yourself.

Have deep meaningful relationships.

3rd – Being single does not exclude you from having deep meaningful relationships. It is important to cultivate healthy and meaningful friendships and family relationships and community ties. This is also true for those who are married or in relationships. We need support systems regardless of our relationship status. Relationships are often equally challenging as they are fulfilling. Support systems help singles and marrieds navigate difficult times.

Be in the flow of your life.

4th – Be in the flow of your life. Try to embrace all of the options and freedoms you experience as a single person. Go and do, be, or experience all of the things that you want to experience. You get to make all kinds of decisions on your own. For some people this is a scary prospect. I assure you that even though at times it is hard, it is not hard because you are single. It is hard because it is life.

Being single is not a curse.

5th – Being single is not something that is “happening to you.” What I mean is that being single is not a curse or a bad thing. It doesn’t mean you are undesirable, un-wanted or un-worthy. These are feelings that people can have regardless of their relationship status.

Relationships require work, time, energy, attention and intention.

6th – The truth is that despite the myths, fairy tales and narratives…relationships require work, time, energy, attention and intention. Romantic relationships also involve attraction…ideally mutual attraction/desire and respect. I often hear people advocate that you should marry your best friend. It seems to suggest that attraction doesn’t matter because it fades. Physical attraction is one of the key components that distinguishes romantic relationships from others. So even if you are in the frame of mind to cultivate a relationship, it doesn’t mean you will meet someone who wants to do the same with you. In other words…many elements need to line up at the same time. This is why it is quite easy (in my experience) to be single. It is quite easy to not be in a relationship. Not easier as in “I can’t be bothered” but easy because “finding someone who likes you in the same way and wants commitment and with whom you share similar values” is hard. Before our modern era, people had whole villages setting them up and arranging marriages.

You have to be met partway.

7th – You can make yourself available for everything I listed above and then someone who you want to meet you partway has to meet you partway. The absolute worst thing in my estimation is trying to force someone to meet you partway who is not interested. It is okay for someone not to be interested in you. Just like you will not be interested in everyone. When you take this personally you are inviting hurt where there needn’t be any.

Single people can and do have fulfilling sex lives.

8th – Single people can and do have fulfilling sex lives. Okay before you get up in arms consider this…marriage is nowhere near a guarantee of a fulfilling sex life. Sexual partnerships have to be carefully considered for reasons of emotional and physical safety. Trust is vital to relationships that exist primarily for sexual fulfillment. If, however, you know you want to have a whole, healthy, mutually committed romantic love relationship then be very cautious about partnering with others sexually because you are hoping it will lead to something more. Sex with a partner often leads to many feelings both expected and unexpected. It can also be high risk if you or your partner have other sexual partners that you don’t disclose to one another.

Spirituality and Spiritual Union

9th – So what about spirituality and spiritual union? I think those concepts and experiences are wonderful and highly desired and sought after. However, it is very sad to me that some people will never experience a healthy sex life because they require the covenant of marriage or because they fear spiritual entanglement with a “bad” person. Many people fear or do not advocate sex outside of marriage or committed partnership because they are taught from an early age that it is wrong (and it is not only because of religion). There are good reasons why we are taught this and it has to do with the cultivation of family. Sex can, of course, lead to pregnancy and a longer term commitment between people who may not have otherwise chosen one another.

I maintain that the problems that we as a society experience around this have more to do with shame.

Shame leads people to not have vital and honest discussions with one another about who they are and what they want.
Shame leads people to not discussing STI’s, birth control, sexual history, sexual trauma and so on.
Shame leads people to having secret lives and secret relationships.
Shame leads to misinformation and feelings of inadequacy.
Shame leads people to learning about sex from porn.
Shame leads to people learning about love from movies.
People are ashamed of their own bodies.
People are ashamed of their vulnerability.
People are ashamed of their desire for closeness and contact.
People are ashamed of their humanity.

As a therapist, I support people embracing their humanity, their self respect, and their respect for others. I advocate people being honest. Don’t be or do anything you don’t want to do as it relates to relationships. That means:

get married or don’t;
have sex or don’t;
have companionship/friendship or don’t.

Just know what you are doing and why. Know what you want and what you believe. Know what you believe as a full grown adult who is experiencing life as it truly is and not under some illusion of what you wish it was. Be unashamed. Be courageous. But most of all be true to yourself which is a prerequisite for being true to others.

Share your thoughts on Linkedin, Facebook, Twitter or log in to one of your accounts below to comment. Subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Why Aren’t You Married?